Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   so drunk , I thought my toothpaste was astronaut food....

   silence is golden, but duct tape is silver

   saying, i'm not moody, just don't want to talk to you every wed and fri..

   kids learn from fairy tales. like goldilocks and 3 bears teaches us that you can sneak into people's place, eat their food, break their furnituer and sleep in their beds as long as you can run fast and you are blond!

   Goldilocks was an illegal alien

   The best things in life are free...for now, wait until the government finds a way to tax you on that!

   I will never be led to believe there is someone who won't betray you under any circumstance. Learning otherwise is a lesson learned with great pains.

   Stevie Wonder's Twitter update was hilarious. it said," ahdshewsd€yts".

   I would love to start working out, but I'm beefing up for my "before" picture.

   thinking up new and creative ways to kill zombies.

   My tan has got a bit outta hand, the white man always called me indian squaw SNOOKI that's all I ever heard SNOOKI how I learned to hate the word SNOOKI she's no good they warned, the other children always laughed at me give her a grenade she's a SNOOKI

   Gangsta rap made me do it

   You need space? WOW. I never knew you were an astronaut.

   wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don't solve riddles that open portals to Hell

   In California, we don't throw our garbage away. We turn it into reality TV shows.

   Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on a Saturday night.

   Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.

   Wants an app called PHARMville, so she can send notes to her friends like "really needing valuim or heavy narcotics soon"

   put your big girl panties on... and DEAL WITH IT!

   SHUT COMPUTER DOWN... go outside... AND MEET SOMEONE!