Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One of the guys who works for me down south called in sick early this morning. He sounded like death! I ask, “How sick are you?” and he said, “I just got done doing my sister, is that sick enough for you?”

   born in a system That doesn't give a f**k about you nor me nor the lies

   We can sense paranoia and we are coming for you.

   someone says "brb shower" and BAM you imagine them naked!!!

   Screw this weather! I'm moving to Petticoat Junction where the sun is always shining and beautiful women skinny dip in the local water tower. I'll be staying the The Shady Rest.

   playing hide and seek with Chilean pitworkers. Damn.., they are good at this game

   so 21st rescued miner says to mistress "I'm taking you to bed for a few days" - come to think of it he is experienced being in deep dark holes for long periods of time.

   In Dog Beers, I only plan on having 1 tonight

   I ran out of Tupperware one day, so I took my cottage cheese to work tied up in a condom. I'm not allowed to use the employee refrigerator anymore.

   To all my Atheist and Agnostic friends. T_IF!

   "Push top to open" should read, "Jam a dent in the side of the cardboard with your index finger repeatedly to no avail. Swear at the box. Try and bite it a little. Swear at the box. You know what? Screw it. Cut the whole damn top off."

   getting ready to enter the "drinking" portion of the evening.

   thinks that it's people that give drinking a bad name.

   You can use most any measure when you're speaking of success. You can measure it in fancy home, expensive car or dress. But the measure of your real success is one you can not spend. Its the way your kids describe you when they're talking to a friend.

   hates walking into nasty smelling bathrooms knowing after you leave the next guy in line always thinks you did it... as you fight the urge to notify him it was like that when you got there

   got his girlfriend pregnant .gotcha b!tch :)

   Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.

   I like to think of myself as "Emotionally Exciting" as opposed to bipolar.

   Honesty is the best policy. But just try getting an Honesty Policy from your insurance broker.

   There are three things that are scary to watch the morning after partyn hard! : own face, purse and list of outgoing calls :)