Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At a recent job interview: What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths? Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.And your strengths? I'm Batman.

   If you're playing checkers on a boat with a monkey, how many ducks does it take to change the oil in a fish tank?

   Dear Chile --- When you're done rescuing everybody, can we send you Ryan Seacrest, Britney, Lindsay, Paris and Snooki?

   She says she doesn't have to change her relationship status on Facebook to show her love? It's because she's still banging her ex.

   Schizophrenia - together I can beat it.

   If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

   thinks that there is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".

   thinks that when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

   packing his bags...going on a guilt trip!

   Sometimes you feel like a million bucks..sometimes you feel like a foodstamp.

   "just wants less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done. "

   Would you tap that???..I wouldnt even poke it on facebook!!!!

   Think you've had a bad day ! ! ! One of the chilean miners has just been told he forgot to clock on.

   I think It's funny that my mom has figured out how to tag me in pics he upload to Facebook but the clock on his VCR has been wrong since 1987.

   Fastest way to piss me off? Tell me to "settle down."

   I bet those Chilean miners going to be pissed when they have to go back to work at 5 in the morning tomorrow.

   Based on the way it's being used "LOL" must stand for "OK"

   An "open relationship" is when both people are cheating on each other and want everyone else to know.

   People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.

   The Skort, skirt in the front, shorts in the back; it's like a mullet for your ass