Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is no way your putting a giant pretzel inside me..

   so Columbus Day has come and gone, but I'm still not taking down my decarations

   No coffee no workee.

   Girls just want to have funds!

   looking for a job! "Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job..."

   guys can go 5 years without seeing eachother and reunite with a handshake and small talk...girls can't go 5 minutes without seeing eachother and reuinite with screaming, jumping around, and hugs...

   I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them

   Sean Connery came round my house to put some shelves up. They weren't level, so all my ornaments fell off. He looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "I'm ashamed of my shelf"

   and THAT is how the firecracker got in my pants doctor

   How awesome would it would have been if David Blaine had somehow been the first one brought up out of the mine.

   You hate me? I didn't even know you existed.

   I think Fb is stupid. Last time I tried changing my password to penis and Fb said it 'wasn't long enough'. How the hell do they know?

   How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on..

   Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

   Dear God, it's me again. Can you bring the toolbox? My life needs fixing.

   Saw a picture of me at the costume store. Unfortunately its called the lonely, horny and drunk costume

   The World Much Easier when APPLE and BLACKBERRY were still a FRUIT..:D

   yo' momma's so poor, the rainbows in her neighborhood are black and white

   I'm surprised there isn't a "ABC's Rockin' Chilean Miners Rescue Special" hosted by Ryan Seacrest.

   California is a nice place to live - if you happen to be an Orange.