Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.

   do you ever get that feeling someones watching you?.... good it's about time you realized it, ive been starring at you through this window for 3 hrs, and this treebranch is killin me!

   furiously searching for my misplaced Mozambican shrunken head. Well my evening is ruined...

   if you're happy and you know it drop your pants!!

   wondering: do doggies ever do it people-style???

   One of the Chilean miner's wives is taking him on Jeremy Kyle for a lie detector. The first question is... "Apart from the 32 she knows about have you had sexual contact with anyone else in the past 3 months !

   "Today was a good day. I didn't have to slap anybody."

   You and your rumors...you both get around. ;)

   Makeover?? Honey you need to be ran over!!

   Ran into her ex today...put it in reverse and got his new girlfriend, too!!! ;)

   The first of the Chile miners has came outta the hole, rumors have it, that he seen his shadow....6 more weeks til winter!

   As things that I find gratifying as an adult goes, being at work and getting paid to take a dump is very high on the list since it is something you can do daily.. I encourage everyone to do this now! And if you wanna take it to the next level, rub one out

   So....I just heard that one of the trapped Chilean miners has both his wife AND mistress at the rescue site. Awww dude, just stay down there.........

   If you throw rice at weddings, will asian people throw hotdogs?

   Impotence: Nature's way of saying "no hard feelings"

   If at first you dont succeed skydiving isnt for you

   Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls

   Drinking is the answer, I don't remember the question

   Pizza is a lot like sex. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good

   Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids