Funny Status Messages

   People always tell me that I should follow my dreams. Last night, I had that dream where I was in school, but I was naked in front of the whole class. Off I go! I might need bail money.

   Why join a gym if you have Photoshop?

   Why is it okay for fat ppl to say "god ur skinny" but I can't say "damn ur fat"?

   Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing that it is stupid.

   X FACTOR FANS! If you're missing Gamu, don't worry! From next Wednesday you'll be able to sponsor her for £3 a month!

   Facebook needs to add "P*ssy Whipped" to it's relationship status.

   The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Three of my neighbors have disappeared.

   If you believe in reincarnation, will your gravestone say "BRB" instead of "R.I.P."?

   Had colon cancer so they removed part of it. Now I have a ;

   You can attract flies with honey, but you get more honeys if your fly!

   I just met a girl who was so hott she doesnt even poop!

   relieved to see Facebook finally expanded the Religion choice to include Amish, for all those Amish people out there with computers.

   Wishes Brett Favre would stop sending me text messages.

   when your hand gets stuck trying to reach the Pringles in that friggin' tube - STOP EATING THEM!!

   When they get the Chilean miners out, can we put the Go Compare guy in?

   It's no coincidence the people who call the cops when parties get loud are the people who never get invited to parties.

   getting poked on facebook by one of your friends is one thing, but getting poked by a family member is where I draw the line

   What is with going to the doctors while your sick and they have the nerve to ask how am I doing? "Yeahhh you know I'm doing pretty well just have 2 ear infections and bronchitis no big deal!" As if they don't know I'm not doing too great.

   I Asked google cause I knew you would laugh at me..

   Wishes Cesar Millan could wisper to these dern mosquito's and tell them to leave me the hell alone!