Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Now that I know where all the purses are, I'm busting out my ski mask and crow bar. Time to make mo money.

   Lean Cuisine you may have fewer calories and less fat, but you do not satisfy me.  I'm still hungry.   :(

   Ya know, Joe Biden sayin' "If I hear one more Republican tell me about balancing the budget, I am going to strangle them," doesn't frighten me NEAR as much as Nancy Pelosi threatening to release her flying monkeys!! ....just sayin'....

   What's the difference between a bottle and puberty?? .........A bottle has already hit Justin Bieber!!

   I may have just inadvertently accomplished something.

   come on weekend why your taking so long to come

   I think the no passing notes at school policy should apply to teachers too.

   The police should make criminals open Facebook accounts. It seems the easiest way to get a confession out of them without any interrogation.

   A back-up plan means your first plan sucks.

   You never know who your real friends are until you are in need and then you'll be surprised who shows up.

   It takes a special kind of crazy to marry a divorce lawyer.

   Most of the fun things I've done have never been smart ideas.

   Facebook: Lying to people you know. Twitter: Be honest to people you don't know.

   You can't please everyone, so you might as well just concentrate on me.

   I saw a woman with a Breast Cancer Awareness t-shirt that said "Yes they're fake, My real ones tried to kill me!"

   Who thought it was a good idea to make commercials 5 minutes longer than the actual show you are watching?

   FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don't eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.

   "They" say money and sex is the root of all evil. Well I think "They" are just poor virgins.

   this aint the end.. its only the beginning of the end...

   in financial ruins.. well, i'm off to the mall to buy things that I don't need to make me feel better about my debt. :