Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The first time I got drunk, I threw up in a neighbor's silverware drawer. I just closed it and never looked back.

   Call off the search for Waldo. I think this large man on the bus, wearing a red and white striped hat, ate him.

   - David Cameron says `Your country needs you` ....... No David , this country needs you to Fu@k Off ! You posh wanker ...

   I was escorted out of the funeral before I was done high fiving everyone.

   I hate how the iPhone auto-corrects "f**k that" to "yes, dear".

   9 out of 10 men smell their finger after scratching their nuts

   In life, it seems the group of people who are easily offended and the group of people who are easily confused tend to be the same group.

   I am imperfection perfected.

   The computer just crashed and erased all the work I didn't do this morning.

   Dude that girl that was at the party is dating a little person. He just came in with a mini keg and I laughed at him then he flipped me off with a little person finger and I laughed harder and they made me leave. come and get me...

   i undressed him with my eyes

   chloraseptic tastes like the smell of a new shower curtain

   slowly going insane... just to get away from all these normal ppl... O.o

   thinks that if Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga had a baby, it would look like Chuky.

   If only you knew what I was capable of...

   So I wonder will Moss wear #84 again? Seems that wouldn't be good for jersey sales as everyone on the bandwagon 10 years ago prob still has their Moss jersey in the back of their closet or trailer or whatever...

   I just heard that Randy Moss is writing his life story. He's only written two chapters and already he's finished an entire box of crayons. :)

   thinks the vikings this season is gonna be like watching a car wreck, where you know its gonna be ugly, but you gotta watch anyways...only with really old collector cars...

   QUICK!! To the Bandwagon!! (to Vikings fans, this blew up my profile with responses today!))

   Cmon, write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!!