Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dog is like a member of the family... but I'm not sure which one.

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   Chowing down on some Free Range Whale. The Japanese do it all the time... nom nom nom

   I always carry a bottle of acid in my pocket so if anyone tries to.attack me I can throw it in their face. Then all I need to do is outrun them for an hour until they start tripping.

   The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.

   Hi there, I'm a human being! What are you?

   Dear Simon, why the hell should I do what you say???

   o the US Govt. Infected Guatemalan's with Gonorrhea back in the 50's. 1. Why? 2. I bet it was a social experiment more than medical. "Hey lets see if Miguel can talk his way out of this one."

   just learned that the human head weighs about 10lbs. So if you're looking to loose those last pesky 10lbs... it looks like you should stop using the treadmill and start using the guillotine.

   ‎"He's a nurse." and "He's a cheerleader." sound the same to me.

   Some dare devils pull crazy stunts by flipping cars... I just did the ultimate stunt and flipped my mattress! I have a few cuts and brushes, but I'll be OK!

   I got a Taser today... ...and a kitten to replace the neighbor's cat that died in a totally unrelated incident.

   This status update takes place between 9:00pm and 10:00pm. Statuses happen in real time.

   Going to look for the meaning of life, first place I'm gunna check is this bottle of vodka

   ...knows the difference between "should of" and "should have" since 1979!

   I've lowered my expectations to the point where they've already been met.

   A penny saved is just stupid, honestly what am I gonna get with it. Beside splurging on a tootsie roll.

   Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe, I'll have another beer.

   The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades…or a game of fake heart attack.

   I don't care what you think of me, because it can't be half as bad as what I think of you.