Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife told me that a friend of hers gets smacked abound by her husband. Then she told me that, if I ever hit her, I'd only do it the once. "That's what I love about you," I said. She said, "What do you mean?" I replied, "You learnn from your mistakes."

   I'm pretty sure the guy who came up with Guitar Hero got the idea from a scantron test!

   Sex is like Chinese food. 2 hours later, you want more.,

   I bribed a cop this morning, handed him my drivers license with a doughnut underneath

   You guys will NOT believe how much ice cream I just ate, but to give you a clue it was served in one of those orange construction cones.

   never run from a fat cop......he won't chase you, but you wont get away either.

   Some people swear by taking "power naps" for energy. I say screw the naps, if you want real energy all you need is a handful of sugar and a dash of crystal meth.

   I really enjoy that new real-life TV show about the guy who spends his whole day surfing the internet at work while trying to look busy in front of his boss. Oh wait, that's just my average day.

   Smokey the Bear says that "only you can prevent forest fires." Great. My job is hectic enough, and now I have to go around doing the work of lazy firefighters?

   I bet that lactose-intolerant mice get picked on a lot.

   Last week a stranger told me that "the pen is mightier than the sword," so I challenged him to prove it. I cut him up pretty badly, but he was right: that permanent ink is tough to get off.

   If I ever come back to life as an appliance, I hope it's not as a refrigerator. I bet it's pretty annoying the way people try to cram all those magnets and pictures on you.

   I call it "No-Pants Wonderday," but it turns out the police just call it "Thursday." Go figure.

   I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'. You probably saw our posters.**

   Katy Perry is brought to you today by the number 34 and the letters "D D" Can You tell me how to get,how to get to sex-with-me-street?

   Wait a couple minutes before you bite into a hotdog that just came out the microwave.

   hates that kids complain about video games for "Loading"... Back in my day we had to blow the sh*t out of games just to play'em and even then it was a gamble to work. So kids, Shut up!"

   In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word - "Yes Dear."

   Behind every successfull woman... is a man checking out at her ass!

   thinks it's inappropriate for Sea World to have a seafood restaurant.