Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Myspace who?

   The first thing I always do when a cop pulls me over is remind him he can't arrest me without a warrant so he knows he's dealing with a pro.

   Febreeze should make a scent powerful enough to remove wtf is that awful smell, instead of just wtf is that awful smell plus Febreeze.

   I may be addicted to brake fluid but I can stop at any time.

   thinks we should all go out for Octoberfest and make it a monthlyfest!!

   Sometimes I wish I could Ctrl, Alt, Delete my life

   I'm going to open my own Walmart... Every register will be manned... A bouncer at each front door that will not let "THE PEOPLE OF WALMART" come in. And the slogan will be "Get yo' sh@# & get out."

   if stupidity was music you would be a one man band!!!

   Never hit a man with glasses...try using a baseball bat.

   Wonders when my kids are going to realize the bathroom is not a portal to another dimension, and I am not running away- I just need to pee.

   Dear kanye west, Roses are red. Violets are blue. If Justin Bieber wins another award you know what to do.+++

   all I need is a little piece and quiet, so give me a little piece and i'll be quiet

   still has a crush on Winnie Cooper.

   Stupidity is not a crime, so you are free to go.

   Went to Arby's today, and had a buddy hide in the trunk. When we got to the window to pickup our order, We had him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.I turned up the stereo, and handed the guy my money, and said loudly "I LOVE this song!!"

   You know sh*ts about to go down when someone says, "hold my beer & watch this",..

   I love how you can make ANYTHING you say sound dirty, just by adding one of those "Air Quotation" gestures.

   For fun, I cut out jack-o-lantern, put it on my head, and went into stores, asking if they sold pumpkin pie. When the startled employees said yes, I would leave the store yelling "Murderer's!" over and over again.

   If my roof ever catches on fire, I'll have trouble not repeating myself when I call 911.

   When I go to the deli counter at the supermarket, I just ask for ham. They have way too many options there, and I really don't care what kind I get. I just want some damn ham. I'm completely hambiguous.