Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   watching The Biggest Loser. I'd really love to be on that show. Not so much to lose weight.. but just to have Jillian ride me like a donkey while talking dirty to me.. Yeahh baby!

   AHHHH-CHOO!!!........٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶....If you are allergic to bullcrap, drama queens, head games, liars, two-faced fake people, keep this sneeze going.....

   My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I didn't open his bill.

   Let's play a game. Shuffle your music playlist. Skip the the 7th song. Write the first few lyrics, then the last name/one of the words from the band's name. Then write the track length. Congratulations, you've created your own bible verse.

   Women and cats will do as they damn well please. Men and dogs should relax and get used to it

   OK Girls sorry to say this but Sometimes your knight in shining armor Guy is actually a dumb ass in aluminum foil.

   its better to lose a lover then to love a loser

   Do not be sad if people preferred another one on you .. It's hard to convince the monkey that strawberries sweeter than bananas

   I don't get jealous when I see my ex with someone new, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to someone less fortunate

   Stay strong; the best things in life are worth fighting for.

   When outdoors use the buddy system... if a wild animal approaches push your buddy toward it and run like hell

   Why do I happen to wear black when I'm eating powdered donuts. Dammit.

   Dreams touch your heart and soul, it is a magical memory that unites fantasy and reality.....Welcome aboard to “Sweet Dreams” airline, All passengers on bed hug ur pillows, as the flight will be leaving soon to dream land. Enjoy your flight…“Good

   Barn raising,Frontierville,and Farm town have turned seemily well to do people in to beggars

   knows it is a sure sign of Autumn, when the Tea Party Witch, Christine O'Donnell from Delaware, makes chowder in her cauldron.

   There is nothing like bringing the log to the beaver first thing in the morning.

   God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts...

   knock knock??? whos there?? I eat mop! I eat mopwho!! haha you eat your poo

   I wish my laundry were more like me and do itself.

   I hate that show HOUSE. He always finds the cure 3 minutes left within the show. That gimpy son of a b*tch...