Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men are like movies. After 3 plays, you want to return them.

   Inventor of Segway drives it off cliff to his death. Bet he wishes he would have invented a hang glider.

   At the Halloween store: the "Slutty Frankenstein" costumes aren't flying off the shelves.

   When there was only one set of footprints, that was when Jesus was flying. What, you don't think Jesus can FLY??

   Seriously, why is Lindsay Lohan's 4th drug test fail helicopter-worthy? At this point the press should be sending scooters.

   Starbucks says that the rising cost of coffee is forcing them to raise prices. Oddly, they never seem to lower them when coffee prices drop

   I'm hearing that the founder of Friendster is donating like $75 to the University of Phoenix.

   Have you ever been to a town so small that when you say, "Hey Bubba"! everyone turns around and waves?

   When someone say "You Changed" that means you are not catering to them any more

   n't it great to live in a society where the penalty for lying to a congressman can be up to 30 years in jail, but the penalty for a congressman lying to you is another two years in office?

   Bandaids come in two varieties. The kind that won't stay on and the kind that won't come off.

   I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.

   Nobody is perfect, I am Nobody.

   Nothing says "I don't have a mode of transportation" like being the dude hugging another dude on the back of a Harley.

   Cruel irony: the owner of Segway died in a Segway accident yesterday. Google it, it happened.

   I flip that middle finger and that index finger follows. Deuces!

   Road rage and profanity: The breakfast of champions.

   Know what I love???? Free handguns and Hard liquor night at the ball park!!! Ton's of fun!

   ~I almost made the mistake of doing some cleaning tonight. Luckily I realized Hoarders is on; so there will be no cleaning AND no guilt

   Cause I gave up smokin', Women and drinkin' last night And it was the worst 15 minutes of my life