Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

   The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

   Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

   Apparently there's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

   When I was young I thought getting a yeast infection was sitting on dirty muffins while youre not wearing any underwear!

   One of our cats sits on the toilet lid and stares at the shower curtain while we take a shower. We're not sure if he's life-guarding or just amazed about how brave we are.

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, lady, well, shame on Lionel Richie.

   Think outside the facebox.

   can't seem to put out old flames, especially when they come back blazing in glory.

   ˙ɹǝʌoƃuɐɥ ʇsɹoʍ ǝɥʇ sɐɥ

   Why were the police ever issued with pepper sprays? Surely this will lead to the creation of more seasoned criminals.

   I wonder if my mailman even recognized me with my clothes on.

   I keep pictures of all of you in my wallet.

   I listened patiently for you to make a noise but you never did. Reluctantly I had to admit you were right, it was a bottomless pit.

   My 2011 New Years Resolution is to hangout with more than 2 of my facebook friends.

   Can't sleep. Clowns will eat me.

   So many freaks... so few circuses.

   It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.

   If history repeats itself, I'm totally getting a dinosaur.

   Please put this on your status if you know, or are related to, someone killed on the Death Star. People must understand that the Rebel Alliance is a band of murdering scum. The Empire wants only to bring peace to the galaxy but these rebels continue to ki