Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   new carrier goal is going to become a professional zombie hunter.

   out messing with sasquatch.

   Is it just me or is "Top News" on Facebook more like "Old news that is mediocre"?

   When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

   I always feel awkward sitting around waiting for people to show up. That's why I'm always late. I don't care if you're late, just be less late than me.

   My train of thought is derailed.

   My neighbor pays for the premium channels.

   There's no excuse for my behavior, so I'm drinking until I have one.

   I don't understand the Starbucks ordering language.

   If you're going to call your wifi network "Wireless", at least have the courtesy to make the password "password"

   If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die because I wouldn't want to be me when that happens.

   I danced like no one was watching. Court date is pending...

   remembers the good old days when, C0CK meant ROOSTER, PU$$Y meant CAT, MAKING OUT meant coming to a deduction, A$$ meant DONKEY, JUGS meant vessels to put liquid beverages in and COMING meant the opposite of GOING!.....DAH! times have really changed!

   My wife was watching a cooking show and I said ''Why are you watching that! You don't know how to cook!''..............She said ''Well you watch porn!!!!!!!!''

   My wife said ''Why are you still staring at our marriage license!''..............''I am looking for an expiration date!!!!''

   I beg your pardon. I didn't recognize you. I've changed a lot.

   It's so cute how you think I'm listening.

   always ready, willing and able. Unless you have to move then sorry I am unavailable that day!

   Unfortunately, due to a recent stroke, my friends left side is now completely useless. .. I now refer to it as His feminine side!......jimboleem

   Remember, A hard punch can often be used as a secret weapon to secure victory in an intellectual debate.