Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   on his way to the eye doctor. Hoping for at least a 12.2 megapixel upgrade :)

   Of course I like you! What do you think this is? Facebook?

   It's impossible to drop something in your car and it not disappearing between the seats. :))

   I stepped on a corn flake, now I'm a cereal killer!

   Death is God's way of saying you are fired. Suicide is your way of saying you cant fire me God,i quit!!

   Bella: I know what you are. Edward: say it Bella say outloud . Bella: Gay

   Where did Justin Timberlake go? He promised to bring sexy back

   Oh, I`ve got one. A Mexican, a Jew and a colored guy go into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Get the hell out of here!"

   I don't care what happens when FATHER catches DAUGHTER on her WEBCAM! Stop posting that darn link to my wall!!

   Ever notice how you come across somebody once in a while you shouldn't have f****** with? That's me.

   A priest, a rabbi and a clown walk into a bar, and the bartender says: "Is this some kind of joke?"

   peeing on your wall

   I was on a plane the other day and when it landed, the pilot said, "Those of you needing wheelchair assistance, please remain seated." I don't think they had much of a choice.

   If a clown offers you a hamburger, and it's not Ronald McDonald, do not eat the hamburger. I learned that the hard way.

   I got stone cold case of the muchies so bad that I'm eating Macaroni and Cheese straight out of the box and chasing it with a glass of milk and butter. So good! I'm tempted to try snorting that powdered cheesy goodness for ultimate processed food high.

   Where the heck is that "Polka" button Facebook that everyone keeps talking about?! I have my accordian and am ready to boogie.

   Now I know why they call it the "California roll"!! They just as well take down the stop signs out here!!

   Humpty Dumpty fell off my FB wall. Somebody poked him.

   Apparently I should have Googled to see how to remove duct tape from my nutsack BEFORE sticking it there. Add that to my list of answers Google cannot find. Ouch. This is not good.

   If Barbie isn't a slut... Then why do people have to buy her boyfriends!?