Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never use parking meters. The "time expired" sign gives me the creeps.

   I've changed my mind a dozen times. It seems to work better now.

   says "Dyslexics are teople poo"

   .as the Pope visits us here in the U.K.,i ask myself "If Catholics say God looks down on homosexuality,what does He do when your Priests are messing with little boys? Whistle and turn the other way?"

   Over worked and under f**ked..

   On a Highway To Hell.

   God's last name is not Dammit

   What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.

   sometimes when I'm alone I Google myself.

   I can't wait to hear all of my favorite songs used in sh*tty commercials when I'm older!

   How can anyone have 99 problems? I have about 3, maybe 4 max.

   Oprah needs to buy everyone hot-tubs!

   I don't know about you but I always go a couple pieces deep when I grab a couple slices of bread from the loaf.

   Based on my life circumstances, I better be a rockstar in my next life.

   I wish I liked anything as much as I hate you right now.

   Google Instant is great, but I find it disturbing that "grannies doing young studs" pops up before I finish typing "granola."

   Internet killed the video store

   Do birds get mad when other birds sh*t in the bird bath? "Dude what the hell?! That is NOT okay! There's a car RIGHT THERE!"

   My dads in the CIA but I'm not allowed to talk about it or something.

   The bird that lives in my backyard has brought chicks back to the bird bath everyday this week. Potential wingman?