Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never do anything for money. Unless it's a lot of money. Then do anything.

   I think I could start a pretty successful company that makes nothing but excuses.

   The Wonderbra has truth in advertising. She takes it off, I wonder where the boobs went.

   Don't forget, every hand you shake has recently wiped an ass.

   I sure did waste a lot of time as a kid practicing my autograph.

   I feel like X and Z are the cool letters sitting in the back of the alphabet, only showing up in words they like.

   If you water your lawn and wash your car in the rain, smiling and waving as you do it, your neighbors will leave you alone.

   Someone once said to me "You use to be normal.." I looked behind me and said "Who the hell are you talking to?"

   Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters into own hands.

   Why is it when my friends find out I'm going drinking they always say “drink one for me” NO I'm not gonna drink one for you. If you really one a beer that bad, pay me for it or come with me.

   the best part of baking is licking the bowl.

   Based on my current rate of income, I estimate that I will be able to retire and live comfortably in about 180 years.

   How is taking a chainsaw to a Nissan a quality test? Perhaps the commercial is trying demonstrate rescue tools for emergency personnel to use after an accident.

   someone asked me what CRS was...I couldn't remember

   Never recycle a past relationship. Because if it didn't work out before, what makes you think it would this time?

   when I would cry as a kid, my sisters would sing..nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I think I'll eat some worms....maybe I should have tried the worms?...nah rather have no friends!

   DAMN you Farkle for temping me to Roll the Dice just one more time!

   sitting on the toilet and a Huge spider walked in under the door...at least I didn't poo my pants

   you know why guns are better the woman? You can put a silencer on a gun

   she would rather be a smartass than a dumbass