Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to bed last night and my friends count was 557.. I woke up this morning and it was 555.. Jumped back up to 557 for a brief hour and a half then back down to 555.. Will the two fence sitting idiots please make up their mind.. Or I'll make it up for

   George Michael has been forced to give hand jobs to his fellow in-mates before having to make hot chocolate for them. He is currently working on a new single about his time inside called 'Wank me off before your cocoa"

   Not having internet on my phone makes me feel like a social leper. At the bar, all my friends are updating statuses, posting pictures and googling things. I'm just hanging out, checking my contacts list and re-reading old texts.

   When someone says, "What is this world coming to?" I like to reply, "mostly internet porn."

   being chased by the paparazzi

   So my girl cooked dinner and I fed some to the dog,she asks me what is he doing and I replied I fed him some of your food. She asks me why is he licking his butthole ...I said to get the taste out of his mouth

   FACT: The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first Hockey Helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

   how come every time I change my password it still shows up as the same 8 stars in a row ******** ?

   wonders when when when will I learn to post an independent congrats and not reply to an announcement so that I won't get fifty-seven updates while every other kind person offers their congratulations?

   I kissed Troy's mom and she like it, hope his squirrel friend don't mind it

   one of the biggest compliments you can receive is when someone posts a status update about your status update

   wonders why girls can't get their pictures taken without pursing their lips like little who*res.

   Don't worry about that old lady crossing the street...she rolled the dice the second she stepped off the curb.

   The equation for Lady Gaga's Bad Romance :(RAH)^2 (AH)^3 + RO(MA +(MA)^2) + (GA)^2 + OOH(LA)^2

   Her: ''Honey, you never listen to what I say!'' --- Him: ''Of course they will.''

   BBC News: Pope offers 'hand of friendship'... followed shortly by an offer of sweets and viewing of his new puppies in the Vatican basement!

   noticed on the news earlier that the Popemobile has got a very distinctive personal number plate: 1 H4V3 M4DD13. No idea what that's all about.

   going to start a rival site to Facebook. Not to compete with Facebook but for your rivals. You could get in touch with all your arch-enemies, and show how much you dislike them.

   beginning to feel like every day of my life is like an open tryout for a wacky new reality television show.

   has been thinking a lot lately. Did I say "thinking"? I meant "drinking."