Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A rattlesnake if cornered, will be so angry that it will bite itself. That is exactly what harboring hate/resentment against others is. We think we are harming others in holding these spites/hates but the deeper harm is to ourselves. ~ E, Stanley Jones

   It's a myth that pets provide home security. 96% of all dog barks are false alarms, and cats instinctively side with evildoers.

   In college I was the Brett Favre of retiring from drinking.

   I'm stripping for her via video chat, but the sound is turned off 'cause her students are taking a test.

   I just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "Dibs!"...

   Some of the ugliest faces in this world hide behind a 12 pack of beer

   I didn't get a lot in class but I know it don't come in a shot glass

   apparently I'm not wearing a sweater vest but rather a "quilted wife beater" priceless

   when the only thing you have is a hammer every moron resembles a nail

   Master Hathaway please save me from the evil toad mistress "I could darling but your butt is far too large to fit into the space"

   wants to buy skittles and randomly throw them at people yelling taste the rainbow.

   i am a leader not a follower so therefore I dont twitter.

   if you we are in the midst of a text/chat conversation and you insist on suddenly delaying your responses withou informing me why then don't expect me to wait and wonder. I moved on after your first delay.

   more bored than plywood!

   Confucious says Some Sex Is Good...More Is Better...Too Much Is Just About Right

   Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

   Why are they calling the music I grew up on "Classic Rock"? I'm not that old...am I?

   I remember September 11th like it was yesterday.

   streaming Netflix's through a Blackberry tandem modem. Please don't call. The good part is coming up!!

   Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?