Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The heart is the center of the body but beats on the left. Maybe that's the reason the heart is not always right.

   The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

   I wish my car had a "thanks!" horn in addition to the "get the f*ck out of my way" horn it came with.

   I hate places like airports and stadiums that charge $5 for a water. If I wanted a $5 water, I'd buy a Bud Light.

   I dry hump my mattress because I love my bed so much.

   There must be something about being a teenager that makes it seem really important to have a whole bunch of sh*t hanging from your rearview mirror.

   Looks like somebody ate a bowl of b*tchflakes this morning.

   alot of people when they go to concerts they yell out "Wooo! or Yeah!" I like to yell out more specific things like "The way you play you're Music makes feel Good Inside!!"

   you are seven. Why do you have a phone? Who are you going to call....... Dora?

   there is nothing more pleasing than seeing a couple that are always posting sickly messages to each, who finally break up on facebook

   I don't jog for the same reason you don't see dump trucks entered in the Indy 500...it's not my forte'.

   Some see this as a heart < 3. I see it as boobs with a big party hat.

   I paid a doctor to give me a colonoscopy...if I did that to a dog, they'd throw me in prison.

   "Listen: I'm a mature person and you're a mature person, so why don't we just skip all the bs, get rid of our inhibitions, and DO what we really wanna DO? "

   When on vacation, don't take pictures of building...take pictures of moments...Keep them close to your heart and never let them go!

   Thinks facebook has ruined school reunions.. now everyone knows your full of sh*t before you get there..

   To the brave souls who lost their lives tragically 9 years ago today.. may you never be forgotten R.I.P

   According to every arcade in the world, 'AAA' and 'ASS' are the most common initials

   waking up next to Julie Chen with no make-up makes me want to saw me penis off with a rusty car key

   I dont know if my piggy bank is sick or anorexic but its been getting real skinny lately and I dont wanna be charged to animal cruelty so time to make some cash.