Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if anyone else feels like their life is a series of bloopers and outtakes.

   This day would have started better if one of you had brought me coffee in bed.

   Walk a mile in my shoes... Then walk another mile... In fact, just keep the shoes and keep walking.

   Dance like the photo's not being tagged, Love like you've never been unfriended, Status Update like nobody's following.

   Great door signs: Gynecologist: Dr Jones at your cervix. Septic tank truck: Yesterday's meals on wheels. Plumber's office: We repair what ur husband fixed. Tire shop: Invite us to ur next blowout. Electrical shop: Let us remove ur shorts.

   Does this rag smell like Chloroform?

   has decided not to call them BRAs from now on and instead refer to them as BOOBIE TRAPS! coz it just sounds more fun to say

   My therapist told me that whenever I'm panicking or involved in a serious situation; the best solution is to take deep breaths.... Ok... Now what if I'm drowning?...

   I feel like "cheeseburger" works better as a noun than as an adjective.

   Barack Obama's tweets are too official. Just once I'd like to see something like: "Just took a Biden-sized dump".

   If you say the word "douche" fast and repetitively, it will sound like the beat of a techno song that some douche would definitely love.

   Craigslist removed its' "Adult Services"section. Headline should read, "No one to ever use Craigslist again".

   Amy Winehouse says her body has been through so much she probably can't get pregnant. Darwin wins again.

   I'm starting to think those 4 years of "P. Diddy Language" I took in grad school may have been a wizz-aste.

   How is it C-3PO is fluent in 6 million languages, yet in none of them can manage to say, "I'm gay?"

   Aside from ur face, what's ur problem!? ;)

   Police pulls over a speeding car; Cop: I've been waiting for you all day. Driver: Yeah well I got here as fast as I could. ;)

   Disappointments are Inevitable but misery is optional. ;)

   ALL relationships require compromise and giving and sacrificing ur way for the sake of others. You can't have ur way ALL the time and expect to have fulfilling relationships. ;)

   DON'T put a question mark where GOD has put a period. ;)