Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They should really outlaw cursive handwriting nowadays. Especially for the ones who can't spell.

   Women say looks don't matter and all they want is a guy who is smart and funny. But all they end up doing is laughing at whatever the stupid good looking guy says.

   I'm not sure what I like most about Woman's U.S. Open Tennis.... watching them play or... listening to them play :)

   How do you stop a fish from smelling? Plug it's nose

   walking through ICU at a hospital dressed as the grim reaper

   Teacher: John why did you bring your cat to school today? John: (crying) I heard the postman tell mom "when the kid goes to school i'ma eat your (CENSORED).

   Confused! My gf is complaining about tennis elbow and she doesn't even play tennis!

   OK Guys (and some of you girls). When someone says something to you and you're not sure what they say...don't just guess, ask so you don;t confuse "stay at my place, for play on my face!" It could be a little embarassing!

   wondering if fish pussies smell like people!?!

   It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.

   PSA: Just remember fellas, if you are sleeping in some other dude's house, just realize, the one who sleeps closest to the door is most likely to catch the first bullet!

   What's the differece between a spit and a swallow? Cab fare and a ring!

   i recommend dancing around naked in your living room

   Just because I don't agree with your crazy-eyed opinion, does NOT mean I am "uninformed". Maybe you are "mis-informed".

   doesn't think them as underwear, he sees them more as a manhole cover.

   Don't you just love how all the Casino billboards get you excited to spend your money then at the bottom of them all they give you the gambler's addiction #... Thats like me putting up a Billboard for a Heroin Party n giving you the # to the cops...

   Whenever I flush a bug down the toilet, I have to watch and make sure it doesn't come back, zombie style, with revenge in its tiny heart.

   I am strong because I have been weak, I am a lover because I am a fighter, I am fearless because I have been afraid. I am wise because I have been foolish & I can laugh because I have also known sadnes, I know my past yet I can see my future will be grea

   Craigslist has just shut down their adult services section. Looks like the "used futon for sale" ads are about to get a lot more interesting

   I wish falling in love had traffic lights, so that I would know if I should: Go for it, slow down, or just stop.