Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No officer, my speech isn't slurred. I'm just talking in cursive.

   I can put a coffee maker next to my bed if I want to!

   I still don't get the whole "LOL" thing. Was laughing on the inside that common before?

   I'm either one lucky ba$tard or completely infertile.

   I really need a voice activated TV because the remote always disappears.

   All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.

   Annoyed is just anger for whimps.

   I just went on a Facebook poking spree.

   "AND HE WAS JUST A HAIR AWAY FROM GETTING THE SACK!" I love football.

   You don't know what you've got until you visit your doctor.

   Nothing beats going through last night's drunk texts to find a sexy convo you were having.

   The difference between "like" "love" and "in love" is the same as the difference between "for now" "for a while" and "forever."

   Based on my current rate of income, I estimate a comfortable retirement about 200 years after my death.

   See, this is why I never like too wake up, it means doing things.

   No grandma it's not "50 percent and acorn," it's 50 Cent and Akon.

   I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

   Never trust anyone who says "Im not supposed to tell anyone but..."

   I wonder if everybody is still Kung Fu fightng.

   sleeping on the bottom bunk when I was younger wasn't easy.....Its hard to sleep with a raincoat on.

   My friend just had a baby, he keep's going on about how he would kill anyone who tried to hurt his child, or he would get run over to save his son, he would even take a bullet for his boy. I said, "Why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?"