Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say the best thing to do for a woman is to make her laugh. I'd feel better if I actually spoke before she started laughing.

   The Dish Network had an ad I just saw where they say they have "the fastest growing subscribership!" Uh, when you're the company with the fewest subscribers, you have the best chance of people saying, "F*ck it, haven't tried these morons yet."

   The bikes at the gym I go to are behind a bunch of machines where people are always bent over. This may work for some, but my cardio has suffered as I tend to end my workout earlier when grandma decides to do butt thrusts in my face.

   I don't particularly care that your menu options have recently changed nor will I be listening carefully... I will be hitting 0 and # repeatedly until a real person gets on the line.

   Why is it, when I get a 2-minute long, static and mumbling filled voicemail that is clearly the result of an accidental purse/pocket dial, I don't just delete it 5 seconds in? Because I'd rather listen intently for sh*t talking.

   Thanks to television, I now believe that all janitorial and supply closets in hospitals are being occupied at all times by people having sex.

   "No food or beverage." I'm guessing the only rule ignored more than that one is the speed limit.

   Earl isn't a hurricane name that can be taken seriously. Earl sounds more like the redneck neighbor you find naked and passed out in your front yard.

   So...that guy took hostages at the Discovery Channel HQ in order to get them to change their programming? Has he seen how awesome Shark Week is? I would think that bombing TLC is more understandable...

   Don't you hate it when all this hot, humid weather makes your nut sack look like batwings when they stick to your thighs? That's what Lady Ga Ga told me, too.

   Sometimes finding my car keys is harder than finding a toothbrush in England, or deodorant in the Middle East.

   since today's date is 90210 this is the closest I'm going to be to being rich, spoiled, and caucasian.

   eating breakfast at the Peach Pit since today is 90210. I mean....um....I didn't watch that show back in the day. A friend must have told me about it.

   The next time someone calls you from a withheld number just answer it and say, "hello London sperm bank. You squeeze it - we freeze it!" ... See what happens.

   Happy 9.02.10! I'll see you at the Peach Pit...

   I left a note in the coffee area at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn't found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.

   Whenever I get a phone call that reads, "Unknown Name" on the caller ID, I have to resist the urge to answer, "Mitchell's Abortion Clinic, you make it, we scrape it, no fetus will beat us. How can I help you today?"

   Wake up in the morning feeling like Luke Perry... Happy 90210 Day!

   ...U.S. combat in Iraq officially over. I love Pres. Obama! He's the ONLY black guy I know who's kept his withdrawal promise!

   fears Hurricane Earl, but only because it sounds like the prison nickname of a man wearing overalls who beat someone to death with a banjo.