Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   4 out of 5 dentists recommend me

   Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning? Anyone?

   I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like P. Diddy but it wore of by the morning,

   Growing up, I dreamed of becoming a meteorologist. Now, I've got 3 weather apps on my phone. Living the dream people.

   They should change the name from "Girls Gone Wild" to "Girls Got Drunk!!!"

   When did "MUST READ" become code for "This is a total waste of time?"

   The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from eating too much pi.

   Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.

   when I go to Starbucks and the cashier asks me my name so the barista can call out my order, I say "Latte."

   The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from eating too much pi.

   Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

   Ecclesiastes assures us... that there is a time for every purpose under heaven. A time to laugh... and a time to weep. A time to mourn... and there is a time to dance.

   I finally got around to reading the story of the headless horseman.Up until now I always thought the story was about a horse rider that couldn't get a erection.

   Every top 10 list I've ever seen has at least two entries that are clearly better than number 1... especially when it comes to the preseason College Football poles.

   I just read this in a news story: “Williams' body was found stuffed in a bag in the bathroom of his apartment with no obvious signs of foul play.” Um, isn't his body being in a bag in the bathroom a pretty good indicator that something went wrong?

   I was not surprised to hear the obese woman in front of me in the Funnel Cake line say, "I only come to the fair to eat." However, I was skeptical when she added, "I like that I can eat AND walk around."

   My friend was at a strip club and a girl came over and shook her goods for him while he talked to a friend not even looking at her. She said, "Scrw you, you didn't tip or even look at me?!?" Embarrassed, he gave her $20. My buddy got guilt stripped.

   Girls, if you think you can "do better" we know you want a guy that makes more money. Guys, if you think you can "do better" we know you want a girl you like seeing naked... better.

   The only reason I'd want to be both rich and famous is so that I can arrange dates with pretentious gold-diggers that are aware of my wealth and status -- then pick them up for our date in a beat-up, lime green Kia Rio and see their reaction.

   A huge gym opened up right next to my local bar. No thanks, I'll just stick to my one-armed pint glass curls, drunk friend dead-lifts and pick-my-drunk-ass-off-the-floor push-ups.