Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I Hate or Can't Stand Drama" is translation for "I'm gonna be the first one to cause all the Drama Tonight, just thought I would give you the heads up!"

   I have found that the best stress reliever in life is not giving a crap.

   A smile is like tight underwear... it makes your cheeks go up.

   There is nothing more convenient than putting on a pair of pants that already has the belt on.

   reminds you that silence is golden, but duct tape is silver

   Trying to figure out how I got this headache...nevermind I just found a receipt telling me.

   Paris Hilton thanks fans for their support following cocaine arrest. In other breaking news: Paris Hilton has fans?!

   SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking during pregnancy can cause your baby to look like Herve Villacheze.

   The hardest part about business is minding your own.

   I wish my book of life was written in pencil There are a few pages I would like to erase.

   Never steal. The government hates competition.

   I had an appointment at the sperm bank today, but I had to call up to say I couldn't come.

   Only when the last tree has died, the last river been poisoned and the last fish been caught will we realize we cannot eat money..!!

   Updating your status at the gym burns a lot of calories.

   welcome to the Dark Side. Are you surprised that we don't have cookies?

   You call that show "Man vs. Food", But I call it "Keeping Up With The Kardashians."

   Yesterday I was 2 away from a threesome. I love college!

   ‎1994 is the worst year ever, Kurt Cobain died and Justin Bieber was born

   I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!

   planning a vacation to get away from people....see you guys in couple of hours, will facebook hourly to update you guys about my vacation