Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   to AVOID any embarassing incidents...I've equipped my BEER GOGGLES with windshield wipers.

   says it's no wonder the Earth ALWAYS wins the Miss Universe Competition....No other planet has EVER entered the competition!

   children shopping for cereal are like men shopping for lingerie; they don't care which kind they get as long as they get the prize inside!!

   my armor has been a little tarnished but trust me I'm still a shinning prince.

   buying an oompa loompa on E-bay

   supports the rights of the Jedi to build a temple, but does it have to be two parsecs from the ruins of the Death Star?

   In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead....

   Vegetarians - My food sh**ts on your food........

   When convincing your kid to take his/her medicine, don't taste it yourself before checking the prescription info. Your kid won't understand that daddy only made himself throw up in the sink because he's allergic.

   I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

   it is unbelievable how much hair I'm pulling outta my nose, I wonder If I can sell it to the people who make wigs...

   Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,you can be pretty sure they're not using it.

   How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

   Why do you sterilize needles for lethal injection?

   Why is everything that goes by water “car”go and everything by land is “ship”ment!

   Why do they report power outages on TV?

   If you are innocent until proven guilty, they why are you arrested and sent to jail before your trial?

   OMG! Finding it so hard to study today, all the info just looks like a bunch of letters... Verbal, participle, infinitive, appositive, gerund.... begin, like, love,try, start stop,continue... my brain is over loaded...

   Hacking and coughing with this cold. If I hack up a lung can it be sold on the black market?

   Having your gf/bf break up with you and saying: We can still be friends. Is like your dog dying and you mom saying: You can still keep it