Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey, candy bar companies: My bite size far exceeds your pathetic estimates.

   There are few things in life more relieving than having a cop turn off the road after following you for an extended period of time.

   Look, you idiot cat, if you don't want me to rub your belly then quit rolling around and exposing it to me. Quit biting me.

   Yes, cute waitress, I just took a bite big enough to choke an ox, now is the perfect time for you to ask me how everything is.

   Thanks for the passive aggressive facebook status about me, but I'm taking the passively passive approach by not caring.

   People who win the lottery always say something like, "I never imagined it would happen to me." Bullshi*t, everyone imagines winning the lottery!

   I don't care how bad I have to go, I will hold it until I'm clocked back in after lunch. If I have to be here, you WILL pay me to use the bathroom.

   Spiders should be required to keep proof of all the insects they've killed so when I find them in the house I can decide whether to leave them alone, move them outside, or flatten them with extreme prejudice.

   If all of the whitening brightening toothpaste I used delivered, my teeth would now be fluorescent.

   Today my friend told me that she's "addicted" to running. The only way I'm becoming "addicted" to running is if I'm also "addicted" to being chased by wild animals or the cops.

   My brain hurts from all the serious issues being discussed on "Fox News"... I think I'll turn the tv to "CNN" for a little comic relief

   is You do realixe that by taking the time to read this status update you have just waisted like 30 seconds of your life. Pressing the 'Like" button will make it 31.

   "always on your mind" and if I wasn't before I am now.

   My friend, Eddie, spends several hours a day lubricating an old bench clamp... It's one of his many vices.

   got a job...single mother and can't even get help from the government because I make $100 too much...might as well be on welfare!

   thinking of adding you to his to-do list.

   sad no one wished her a happy birthday today, which isn't too surprising since its not her birthday

   Thinks it is pathetic that I walk into a restaurant and half the couples are not even talking to each other but texting on their smart phones. Crap, brb, my wife is bugging me about something....

   I always feel like a domestic God after watching Hoarders.

   watching reruns of the Biggest Loser and eating a bag of Oreos.