Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

   If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.

   thinkin'....HEY! Guy on the Orajel commercial...Orajel is not to be substitued for seeing an 'actual' dentist....if your tooth is achin' for that long... it's probably rotting out of your mouth...and you might need to get that checked out....

   is thinkin'....Hey Charmin...I'm not a bear...my family and I DON'T get toilet paper stuck on our butts when we wipe....can you PLEASE think of a new ad campaign.... No. For Real. This one sucks...and it's starting to make me boycott EVER buying Charmin.

   aww, I feel really bad, I was sitting in the club havn a drink with some friends and a random girl tried chatting me up, all I said to her was ''would you like some face with your make up''....haha was funny though! Oi cake face!! Haha

   says, When Ronald Reagen was president we had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now it's ONLY Obama with NO Hope and NO Cash.....!!!!

   I'm embarrassed that I can't last very long when using the Shake Weight.

   Every since I bought this shake weight . I'm putting way too much salt on my food!!

   i hate when I drive behind someone at the mall and they just walk to their car sit inside put in on reverse and never pull out untill I drive off

   This day has been pointless… Kinda like Halle Berry topless in ‘Swordfish'….. Pointless!

   cab companies, do you want to make the experience more enjoyable for your customers? Please install Glade air fresheners with a spray frequency of 5 seconds. Its unfair that we should pay to endure Parapithecus's BO.

   Has been watching your whole life ................. so don't even think about it !

   Wake and Bake, that's the only way to enjoy a Sunday.

   ex girlfriend just told me that my immaturity erected a barrier between us...I have no idea what she's talking about, but its so funny that she said erected.

   not mean. He/She just wasn't born with enough middle fingers to get his/her point across.

   Out of a million voices I want to be the one that is heard.

   My therapist once told me, "Sarah, no one is taking advantage of you." Feeling a bit better I asked how much was the co-pay. He said "I don't know how much do you got?"

   DINGLE BERRY: A small piece of poo clinging for dear life on the ass hair like it's the gym rope.

   BONG: what you put the flowers in when then cops drive by. lol

   always right and never wrong. The only time I thought I was wrong was when I thought I was wrong but I wasn't - I was right!!