Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My friend said he couldn't tell if it was a compliment or an insult that a hot chick only wants to hook up with him, but not date seriously. On one hand, she is just using you for sex. On the other hand, shut the hell up.

   "Treat others the way you want to be treated" is bullsh*t. All it's ever gotten me is a restraining order.

   When I treat myself to a random hookup, I make sure to give it my all and really wow the girl. I don't need someone out there running around saying that I'm not a good bed buddy or couch buddy. Or kitchen table buddy. Or airport bathroom buddy.

   Sometimes when the batteries in the remote die, I take both of them out, switch their places, and they're good as new. I'll always feel like I've tricked the stupid remote.

   Hey Timex, if I end up 660ft under water I won't need a watch.

   Never get too excited when someone you haven't talked to in a while calls you... they will most likely start with small talk to try and cover up the favor they're about to ask you.

   If I'm not good at something, I never want to play it again.

   The difference between me and R. Kelly is that when I pee on people I am swimming in a lake.

   Dude in the truck in front of me, I have no idea where you're going but you've got a huge grill and two kegs in the back of your truck and pulling a trailer with a go cart and a huge inner tube. I'm following you!

   Do any of you read? I was reading the Edgar Allen Poe and there is this guy and he is the devil and there is this other guy and the devil says "I am gonna kill you now" and I don't know but it was really good!

   I went to my first la party the other night and my ex-boyfriend was there with his new girlfriend.. he is so dumb though he came up to me and said "yuck, I thought I smelled you here".....

   Law of Karma operates for nations as much as it does for individuals. Look at the devastation caused by floods in Pakistan. Divine punishment ?

   and three hundred of his friends DIDNT change their profile picture

   I dont see why facebook feels the need to notify me everyday that some of you have changed your profile picture. Unless your naked...I dont give a sh%t

   Seriously folks, only go in the fast lane if you know how to use it. If you have 2 or more cars directly behind you, you obviously aren't using it correctly.

   already has 99 problems... and ur becoming the 100th one

   I'm right 97% of the time...so why does my wife always find fault with the other 4% ?

   Besides the fact that random people are bursting into flames walking down the street, It's beautiful outside!

   Dear My Head, Please start doing your job and kindly remove yourself from My Ass. And while ur down there please tell my liver I'm sorry. Thank you.

   how selfish are my neighbours to have a pin number on thier wifi.....rude that's what I call it!