Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Zipper vs. Penis .... Who ya got??

   Does anyone think that Snooki's latest "Disorderly Conduct at the Beach" have to do with her stomach being out?

   There's a new social networking site for girls with great bodies but not so great faces. It's called Butterfacebook

   someone told me I am immature and need to grow up...so guess who is not allowed in my treehouse now

   The playground for success is a mere paradox to the reality in which we live

   Never hold your farts in. They go up your Spine then into your mind and that's where you're shi*ty idea's come from!"

   figured out when ordering at Starbucks, it pretty much works out to $1 a word

   Apparently, I would rather break my teeth or put a hole in my new shirt than locate a pair of scissors to cut the tag off.

   When a man speaks, people listen, then look. When a woman speaks, people look; then, if they like what they see, they listen.

   google 'waynesworld'... its gonna be bigger than crapbook

   Alright! Drunk me from last night made hungover me some epic sandwiches for lunch today. Man, I love that guy!" :)

   To the woman at WalMart with all those screaming, unruly kids. I slipped a large box of condoms in your cart when your head was turned. You are so welcome!

   I'm beginning to hate these whiny liberal groups!!!!!! Always crying about something.

   Michael Cera, Jay Baruchel, Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, Jesse Eisenberg and whinging Dev Patel (star of THE LAST AIRBENDER) are one dimensional, talentless and unattractive.

   Ent*tlement Programs are nothing but a massive ‘Ponzi' scheme that has been perpetrated on the American worker

   Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out but the only way I can shut the B*tch up is with cookies.

   When is the excessive use of the word 'swagg' going to die already. Getting tired of hearing it in every rap song. Bad enough people don't even know the true meaning of it.

   I held the door for a lady at the Post Office because she had a huge box..

   Thinking that they need to change the name from child support to lifestyle support...

   Don't you think its time for Life Alert to update their commercials.