Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You laugh because I'm different... I laugh because you're all the same.

   I fear the day Facebook decides to inform users of who has viewed their profile... and how many times. ツ

   How come the actors in fast food commercials are all thin?

   When dogs leap onto your bed, it's because they adore being with you. When cats leap onto your bed, it's because they adore your bed.

   "Hi, Welcome to Abercrombie. Our sizes are; Small, X Small, Anorexic, Bulemic, and Malnourished."

   it possible that at Brett Favre's age he just keeps forgetting he retired?

   went to a country jamboree when this slutty dressed girl tripped and ended up on her back...Couldn't help it...I yelled Now that's a HO DOWN!!!

   Today, I saw a commercial for the Snuggie. I thought it was stupid idea, but I couldn't change the channel because I was under a blanket and I didn't want my arms to get cold…

   Why don't autobiographies ever end with the person writing a book?

   Just overheard someone say "I've got a gut feeling in my stomach." That kind of use of the English language makes me want to punch his face in the face.

   Sugar daddy: Like a genie - he may be a little old, but if a girl rubs his lamp, he'll grant her wishes.

   BBC News: "Plus size women worth $10 billion to the fashion industry." Nothing compared to what they're worth to the food industry...

   Your Skin Is Pale White and you dont go out in the sun. Say it,Vampire. No I just play a lot of world of warcraft.

   climbing in your windows & snatching your people up. Hide yo kids. Hide yo wife.

   Anyone else hate when there mom says they have to go to bed because it's too late? I mean really mom... it's 9 pm I know you are just looking out for me but I am 35 and I deserve some respect!

   You go to bed right now mister... How dare you post on here about your mother you are grounded for a week with no lemon bar deserts!

   more awesome than The Miz.

   Archaeologists have uncovered what is to be believed as the remains of the worlds oldest dog. Also uncovered at the same site is believed to be the worlds oldest dog coller. It says, "i'm rex, if found return to Larry King"

   whenever you drop clothes on the ground and don't feel like bending down to pick it up so you just kick it up and catch it in the air

   why dont they complain when Catholic Churches are built by playgrounds??