Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Won't be on for a while guys, just got arrested for 20 grams of Marijuana.

   Next time you sit on a toilet today, please take the time to have a moment of silence for Elvis Presley.

   can't believe Nickelodeon didn't get Dora the Explorer a GPS or something for her birthday yesterday, now we have to suffer another year of her being lost everywhere she goes.

   you know the economy is bad when you walk by a can on the ground and think: dammit I should've picked that up!

   thinks Elvis is the only King to actually die on his throne...(flush...sfx)

   Maybe it's just me, but I think throwing rocks and feces at Tila Tequila officially renders you a member of the Sane Clown Posse.

   So, I guess the FDA has approved the "week-after" pill - the perfect remedy for those not so skilled at time/pants management...

   Alcohol doesn't solve any problems; but then again, neither does milk.

   JaMarcus Russell has admitted failing a drug test. It's all explained in his new book "Eat Pray Eat Love Eat Chug Purple Drank Eat".

   Dead fish washed onto "Jersey Shore" cast's beach. The slimy, oft-horizontal twitching creatures say they feel bad for the fish....

   The first thing I do on a computer that doesn't belong to me is go on Craigslist and see if the Casual Encounters link is purple or blue.

   Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.

   Making a pot of coffee so I can get ready to go out and have coffee.

   Nothing pisses me off like a bird WALKING across a street. No it's cool. I'll wait. BTW You can FLY dumb@ss!

   I love it when the one actually insane person in the office says, "call me crazy, but.." Because we totally DO!

   "Side effects may include constipation or diarrhea." So what you're saying is I may or may not give a sh*t.

   You know what is the difference between promises and memories? We break promises, whereas memories break us.

   Apparently "some assembly required" is IKEA for "here's a pine tree and some nails."

   There's something about the Smart Car that makes me want to beat it up and take it's lunch money.

   Dear life, When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.