Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   baffled how I have to wake up early every day and deal with people who are unpleasant and David Carusso still has an acting job.

   Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.

   Watching tear jerker movies and eating big bowls of ice cream .. anybody got a Tampax ?

   officially resigning from adulthood!!! ...if you want to discuss this further you'll have to catch me first, cos... "Tag! You're it."

   the leader of the show, make the ladies say "Oh!"

   Tiger Woods' golf game, marriage crumbles. I guess going from 120 holes down to 18 has been too hard an adjustment for him!

   going downhill from now on! HEY. that's the way I roll....

   Archaeologists have discoved the site of Britain's oldest house. It is also believed to be the house in which the Stones first got togather.

   Wal-mart employee-"can I help you"? Me-"do you have anything i'd like". Employee-"how would I know what you'd like"? Me-"you started this".

   Your follicles are ugly! Your roots are a joke! I have seen better parts in a mechanic shop!!...Oops sorry, I was teasing my hair.

   meteor showering with Axe shower gel.

   Doesn't understand an alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet. How limber do you have be to blow into the thing?

   ‎5 Words for us MAN to live by, "NEVER MAKE A WOMAN ANGRY."

   You're dating my ex? I ate a sandwich earlier, you want those leftovers too?

   Remembering how easy life was in kindergarten. As long as you had the biggest box of crayons and the coolest lunch box you ruled the school......

   In the rest of World When The boy meets the father its a Nice warm Welcome. In the south, The dad comes out with a gun and says boy you better treat my daughter right.(:

   A fake smile on your friend's face is more evil than a sword in your enemy's hand.

   If you love someone, then you have to let them go. If they come back, then they're meant for you, but if they don't, then you stalk them

   The best feeling i've ever had is making someone laugh after crying

   A fireman runs into a classroom holding a screwdriver and yells: "Quick, everyone get out. This is not a drill!"