Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Making mirrors look good, since 1979

   wears boxers so my ..... can breathe

   OMG !!! This Jail Cell gets free Wi-Fi !!!

   If Death hands you lemons, just eat them. Peels and all. It really doesn't matter at that point.

   Stop laughing at Ziggy. He obviously has a medical condition.

   This economy is so bad I actually saw a guy in the back of a limo hand another guy in a limo a bottle of generic yellow mustard.

   I wonder why everyone thinks I'm weird? Everyone in my head thinks I'm awesome!!! :p

   From now on, whenever my toilet gets clogged I'm going to call it a "top kill."

   dated a blind girl once. Her name was ::. :.. .:. ::: :.

   A Blonde caught a fish and when asked how big it was she said “3 ½ pounds.” Then when asked how long? She said “It took me about 20 min”

   the big bad wolf asks little red riding hood for a bj she replies "stick with the story your supposed to eat me." thats my kinda gal

   A note of fact- Under Armor is an clothing designed with exercise in mind. It is not intended to be a girdle.

   Smog from wildfires are creating health concerns for resedents in Moscow. More importantly, it's making it difficult for Sarah Palin to see it from her house.

   Has a theory: If grocery stores just paint the cart returns with handicap blue and build it out of curbing. Then everyone would put their buggies there!

   Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh I donno, I sing in the shower? Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me-- no, don't sue me. That is opposite the point I'm trying to make

   When someone is so sweet to you, don't expect that they will be like that all the time because even the damn sweetest chocolate expires to..

   If you want a stable relationship.. get a damn horse

   To bad you can't photoshop your UGLY personality...

   Wonders: If an astronaut drives a Saturn and a pimp drives an Escort, does a proctologist drive a brown Probe?

   Went for a mile run today. Stupid Ice Cream Man just kept driving even though I was waving my money in the air!