Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it considered cheating if you have to kiss your boss' ass?

   I went to my proctologist and as I was bending over I heard him say "calm down Smith, calm down Smith" I looked back and told him "Doctor, my last name is Green, not Smith" and he said "I know, Smith is me"

   There's literally no one in the world who uses the word "literally" properly

   just once I'd like to eat dinner with a celebrity that isn't bound an gagged

   Whoever says that pizza is not good for you is sooo wrong. You can actually get every single food group into a single slice. You can't say that about much else.

   Apparently each year, more people get killed by donkeys than in aeroplane crashes.So to summarize, if you ever see a donkey on an aeroplane, you're in f*cking trouble.

   I asked my friend how his date went, insisted I sniff his fingers... worse part is , he's gay...

   Look up the word "idiot" in the dictionary and you know what you'll find? The definition of idiot, you idiot.

   Happy 8-9-10 day, now make this day count. (little number humor. haha)

   The best stuff on earth and I just got better

   Today I say a girl riding her bike, I thought to myself what is she doing shouldn't she be in the kitchen?

   I sometimes pee in the shower, and my girlfriend says that's only ok if I'm actually taking a shower.

   The point is not everyone is gonna be a millionaire.If you're happy, you're successful.

   I don't think I'll ever reach the age where I'm old enough to know better.

   Society is never going to make any progress until we all learn to pretend to like each other.

   I have a great sense of humor... --If you don't believe me, look at my Ex!

   Just left the bar. Did you guys know you can leave while you're still able to walk?!

   Whatever doesn't kill me makes me all like, "Whoa! That was close!"

   Sometimes I regret surgically removing my feet and replacing them with wheels... But not today!!! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

   That girl is such a drunk. Every time I'm at a bar she's there.