Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Aren't the "good things that come to those who wait" really just leftovers from people who got there first?

   Interesting Fact: Put two straws in your mouth: one inside a drink and one outside it. You won't be able to drink through either straw. Try it!

   If its good, it's wonderful, if it's bad, it's experience...no regrets.

   They say dont judge someone by the way they look, but I saw a guy today that I am convinced owns multiple NASCAR tshirts, smokes, and has a child with a rat-tail.

   I'm not sure why I involuntarily fart while I pee but I'm pretty glad I don't involuntarily pee when I fart.

   I think I smoked less before I quit smoking.

   wishing you wouldn't take such steamy showers, it fogs my camera's

   can't seem to turn off the wildlife feature on his GPS... every now and then it tells me, "In 500 feet, bear left!" Like that's not gonna scare the crap out of me!

   Excuse me, are those Bugle Boy Jeans your wearing?

   If you're good looking and you know it click the 'LIKE' button.

   wonders if women are from venus, and men are from mars... where are transvestites from?

   Road rage catalyst: People who slow down and creep when turning a corner.

   There is a "lie" in believe, "over" in lover, "end" in friend, "us" in trust, "ex" in "next" and "if" in life.

   I assume most animals are in the zoo for some pretty serious crimes.

   thinking...do I say grace over LEFTOVERS...since I blessed it when I cooked it...dont wanna bother god with old chicken wings

   instead of unfriending someone facebook should have an "I really F'ing hate you" button

   just heard that Naomi Campbell walked into a library and asked for Blood Diamond. She was told "sorry dear, you're asking the wrong person, you need a Liberian!!

   somedays I wake up b!tchy, other days I just let her sleep in.

   Woman claims Brett Favre texted her penisshots. At first he said he wasn't gonna do it, then he did, then wasn't going to again, then did…

   Wyclef Jean to run for President of Haiti. That would be cool. Then he could totally start a band called The ReFugees.