Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wonders why the DJ is playing Lil Wayne but you are dancing like you hear Pink Floyd...

   Man said, "Lord... Why did ya make women so dang pretty?" The Lord replied, "So you would like them." Then the man said, "Lord, then why did you make them so dang dumb?" The Lord replied, "So they would like you too."

   Why do women always ask, 'Do these jeans make me look fat?" No, your A$$ does... Trust me ladies we don't care... We like ya naked...

   Have you ever noticed that Octo Mom; Nadya Suleman's mought looks and acts like the Jokers mouth from The Dark Knight -- Batman?

   finally knows why leprechauns laugh when they run...? It's because the grass tickles their nuts...

   I'm only adding you to make my friends list look bigger.

   On Facebook I am the actor, director and the bouncer all at the same time. Fear does not exist in this dojo does it? No Sensi! Sorry... when I get excited I have to toss in some Karate Kid quotes.

   thinks they should make a Michael Jackson video game

   You broke my heart into several pieces. Good! Now I can give it to several girls.

   What's common between the sun and women's underwear? a) Both are hot b) Both look better while going down c) Both disappear by night.

   NBA rookie of the year was video taped doing 120 mph. In his defense, he claimed that he was being chased by Maury Povich.

   I don't believe I had ADHD because I, Dude! Did you see that? Do you like apples? Wow! Candy corn! 45+78= What officer? What was I saying?

   Since when did M&M's start using W's?

   Sometimes I just want to run up to a stranger on the street and say "YOU'RE IT!!" and then run away.

   I ran this morning and there was nothing chasing me. There is something fundamentally wrong with that.

   My preferred answer to the question "Isn't it a bit early to start drinking?" is "It seems a bit late to be sober."

   What could be worse than being a "people of walmart?" Getting busted taking a picture of one. Damn flash!

   I can't hear you over the sound of how EPIC I am.

   girls are afraid to hear the words "its over" from her guy. And you know what guys are afraid to hear?"I'm PREGNANT!!!"

   has mistakenly used Axe Freeze in place of body wash and now everything is tingling!!