Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm kind of amazed that everyone on Mythbusters still has eyebrows.

   I can tell when were expecting company because suddenly the toilet paper rolls have to go on the dispenser.

   I am one beer away from another beer.

   HELL YEAH, PAYDAY! I'm going to buy so many taxes.

   I'd like to thank my mom for helping me out of some real tight spots over the years. Starting with the day I was born.

   I hate when someone has a loud conversation on their cell phone and then gives ME dirty looks for listening to everything they say.

   I've never met a "Skip Intro" button I didn't like.

   If I do enough different things in enough different ways, I may, eventually, do something right.

   If you listen very carefully, you can hear Monday sharpening its claws.

   Whoever said talk is cheap hasn't seen my phone bill.

   Happy Friendship Day to All !! :)

   I'm just a man; but wrap me in aluminum foil and I'll be your knight in shining armor!

   "Happy let everybody else report to work month. See you in September!" ~ Brett Favre

   You want to fight?You & me?huhh. Come outside facebook!

   I'm officially changing my TV remote's name to Waldo.

   You will never hear this combination of words spoken: "hand me that piano".

   saw a man laying in the middle of the boulevard. with paramedics and firefighters 'working' on him. This caused traffic to back up. I looked down at the man; I looked at the mess of traffic , and thought to myself, "I really hate traffic"!

   I used to be afraid to fart in front of my new girlfriend. But today I just decided to let a big one go. She didn't mind. Her dad however was disgusted. The rest of the people at the funeral weren't too pleased either.

   has anyone ever looked at a Jeopardy contestant and said to yourself, "Hey, I bet that person would be fun to hangout with."

   So, if you are deaf and mute but you have psychic ability, would you have a sixth sense or a fourth one?