Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today is a whole new day to f*ck up!

   If Facebook was a job everybody would b rich

   about as nutty as a squirrel's turd

   If I had a nickel for every time I ignored your petville request, I could buy the L.A. Zoo..

   stopping by the Wachovia bank yesterday to exchange money. The teller asked me to fix all the bills to face the same way and straight 'em out while chit-chatted with her co-worker. WTF was her job description say?

   She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when."

   YES!!! I kenw it!!! The world will not end in 2012 - I just found a bottle of ketchup that expires in 2013...

   William Shatner (capt Kirk) will be staring in a new sitcom based on a twitter feed. This isn't the first show inspired by social networking. "Dateline Predator" was based on Myspace.

   it just me or is Ed Hardy and Affliction in an all out war with each other to make the douchiest t-shirt possible. These things are like 95% rhinestones and glitter, these shirts scream I touch myself when I watch Brokeback Mountain.

   As time passes you realize who really matters, who never did, and who always will. Love what you've got. And remember what you had. People change, things go wrong but life goes on

   The witch in Hansel and Gretel, she's very misunderstood. I mean, the woman builds her dream house, and these brats come along, and start eating it.

   when your sitting at redlight, surrounded by people. Do you toss your McD's bag, old paper work and junk mail out the window? No?..then why the hell do you flick your half smoked cig out, like its acceptable behavior?! You jagoffs!!

   ‎9 out of 10 people believe that out of 10 people 1 will disagree with the other 9

   I thought the show was called "Blue's Clues", not "Weird White Dude With A Bowl Cut Hogging Up The TV".

   what's the point in knocking when you can just text someone that you're outside their house.

   microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes

   a certain sign of who will wear the pants suit in your marriage is when the wedding reception has a Vegan menu and a gluten-free cake!

   Just saw a commerical for the snuggie, I thought it was a stupid idea but I couldnt change the channel because my arms would get cold

   How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

   has performed extensive experiments in the shed and can scientifically conclude that a cat has only one life.