Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Baby Shark says, doo, doo, doo, doo

   They should put cute little messages on viagra pills like they do heart candy’s saying “keep it up.”

   He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.

   The cheapest way to fly is off the handle

   Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.

   It’s completely absurd that Silicon Valley is pushing AI on us before they figured out how to keep fries fresh during takeout and delivery.

   If you talk about others it's gossiping. If you talk about yourself it's called bragging. I guess there's still the weather !

   Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties

   I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

   If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts

   To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377. Hope that helps.

   Dancing: The musical activity for people who can't play an instrument.

   My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight. I had to explain to him I'm married now, and that's where I sleep.

   The best way to spread Christmas cheer is to wrap everything you own in tinsel and hope for the best.

   If you see me in the next few days, just assume I’m either shopping, wrapping, baking, or pretending I’m not panicking.

   If the president-elect (Donald Trump) wants Canada as the 51st state, we’ll send him a box of Snow, Poutine, and Free Speech to remind him we’re better off up north.

   I'm mad about how fast my life went from MySpace to MyChart.

   I upset my wife the other day. I accidentally passed her a glue stick instead of chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.

   Christmas is an illusion. It's based on 2 fairy tales. One features a guy in a red suit, the other in a crummy stable without Netflix.

   WOW, This cold Medina tastes funky