Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How come no one posts pictures of their kids on the first day of summer school?

   I don't feel like I'm getting older. It's more like my warranty has expired and my parts are wearing out.

   Do you like real mashed potatoes or the flakes out of the box?

   Last night I demanded to speak to the chef because my salad was dry. It was a situation that needed addressing.

   Everyone needs a sarcastic, smart mouth friend. I am so happy to be of service to you all!

   Ladies hide your shelter from homeless men it’s officially fall season

   Some people exercise every day. I'm watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.

   You know when a dog sticks his head out of a moving car window, bites at the air and it lpoks like fun? I tried it. It is.

   I can't wait till I retire! So that I can get up at 6am and drive around REAL slow and make everybody late for work.

   Not sure what to make of this. I was in Krispy Kreme and some man asked if he could dunk his glazed jelly stick in my hot, steamy coffee cup.

   Theme parks can snap a crystal clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph. But bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a bank robber standing still.

   My coffee is so black, it's running for President

   3 horrible facts: Today is not Friday Tomorrow is not Friday The day after is not Friday

   I spent 2 years in therapy for my Phil Collins addiction but I did it. Against all odds! Just take a look at me now!!

   For those of you that watched the debate, I basically did the same thing, only when I was done picking my nose, I had something to show for it

   Two morons are sitting on a fence. The big one fell off, why didn’t the other? He was a little more on.

   .I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check

   What did the little black boy get for Christmas? My bike.

   I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure.

   IF you had to lay down on your bed to zip up your jeans this morning you might wanna consider calling in thick today.