Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't block all of your haters. Leave one or two so they can report back to headquarters.

   Our parents invented fondue parties, which was just inviting your friends over to eat cheese-and I can't express how disappointed I am in us that we let that tradition slip by.

   I hate it when I'm talking to myself and suddenly realize I wasn't listening... and then have to start all over again.

   I'm not the best chess player who ever lived, but some people don't even know how to move a pawn. It's pretty straightforward.

   My doctor needed a blood sample, a stool sample, a urine sample, and a semen sample. I gave him my underwear.

   If we're going to have a whole month dedicated to one of the Seven Deadly Sins, I would rather it be Gluttony.

   My body knows how old I am, but my mind refuses to believe it.

   It's ironic that the two O's in 'cooperate' insisted on having their own separate sounds.

   Imagine that. Flag Day just happens to be in the middle of Fagg Month.

   I can't dance to save my life, but when I step in dog crap, I can moonwalk better than Michael Jackson.

   If I am ever at death's door I am leaving a flaming bag of poop on his front steps

   Around this time in 2020 we couldn't find toilet paper. Now we can't afford it.

   Not to brag, but I was alive when you could SLAM the phone down to hang up on someone. It was spectacular!

   For everyone out there struggling with self-worth, just know that there are people out there that care. It sure as hell isn't me, but someone does.

   If no one told you that you're beautiful today well I'm not about to start. Move on.

   I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do... It's because I missed my exit.

   I should know better never to drink coffee after midnight as it just turns me into a real night owl whoo can't sleep.

   Working in my DBT workbook that I got from my mental health coach has made me realize how much I truly struggle with my bipolar outburst.. I'm working on it! All I ever want is to be a better me. The work hasn't been easy but now I'm glad I can take a ste

   What came first, Chickens who lay small eggs? Or dishonest egg packaging companies who put small eggs in cartons marked large?

   How has this economy affected my spending? Well.....Not saying I'm rich or anything.... But I can go to any Dollar Tree and buy like 5 items without having to check the price first.