Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Black Friday: We all have big screen tvs. Put those groceries on sale.

   Marriage tip: If your wife won't let you play games with the boys at night, do something to make her mad. That way she tells you to sleep on the couch. That way you can play games with the boys at night.

   I bought a 15 pound turkey yesterday. He's fun to have around but he's kind of noisy.

   A group of Karens was having lunch at a fancy cafe. When they were done eating the waiter came over and asked "Was anything OK?"

   Pro Tip: Never make snow angels in a Dog Park.

   Why do we say "half a dozen" when it is easier to say "six"?

   Not a lot of great things listed in Craigslist free section today. Unless any of you guys would like a slightly used mattress for Christmas?

   Gobble till you wobble!

   Blunt

   CUNT !

   Them: What kind of person are you? Me: I'm a place or thing, thank you.

   90% of all electrical vehicles are still on the road today. The other 10% made it all the way home.

   If anyone’s wondering what to get me this year all I want for Christmas is summer.

   They opened a restaurant on the moon. Great food, but no atmosphere.

   There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those losers has decided to become Batman

   buttcheeks one word or do you have to separate them?

   Natalie woods told Robert Wagner, "You haven't got me wet in years", he said, "oh yeah, watch this".

   How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh? Nothing it’s on the house!

   I left my heart in San Francisco. Last I heard it was living in Tent City with a pimp named Tiny Johnson.

   My parents have been attending their own personal Ugly Christmas Sweater Party every holiday season since 1984.