Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Call me old fashion, but I'm glad my mom was a woman.

   If you want to know How many people you can spray down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.The answer is 18

   I try my best to be a thoughtful husband. So, I'm gonna surprise my wife with a new bag and belt for Christmas ! The old vacuum cleaner is gonna run like new now .

   iuyyuiyuyuyuyuyu8yuyuyuy yyuyuy ggggggaaaaaffffffsasaasdsyr

   Joe exotic was going to do a Christmas song, But he hates carols

   The police.... The only people who ever wanted me for who I really am.

   Dear Santa! Listen here! I'll keep eating my deer jerky while you give me what I want for Christmas or Rudolph is next. Make it happen fat man!

   My New Years resolution is to try and put less than 5 chapsticks through the washer & dryer next year.

   A hookah is just a glorified bong. Change my mind.

   Ah yes, it's that wonderful time of year between Christmas and New Years that I like to call "The Festive Perineum".

   May you all have a prosperous New Year in 2023. (I may need to borrow some money)

   New Year's Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years.

   Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her "He's busy" and then switch off the cell phone.

   To help reduce cost, this written status was typed in china.

   Some days I feel as if Lady Justice has taken off her blindfold, dipped it into some water and cracked me on the rear end with it.

   IPA stands for “It’s Pee Actually” and I think that’s beautiful

   High On Life 2

   I'm cool...like the sweat from a snowman.

   RIP Barbara Walters. Beaver Cleaver's TV mom died. Eddie, Whitey, and Lumpy must be devastated.

   Condolences to all the church sanctioned pedophiles, your Pedo king has died .