Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Great job keeping crap out of my eye, eyelash that's currently in my eye.

   Why bother drinking water? You're just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn't want you to know.

   Talking to some people is as frustrating as trying to eat applesauce with chopsticks.

   I get my exercise by pushing the limits of those around me.

   Find a girl that takes care of you, like the press takes care of Joe Biden.

   Dear YouTube: Just because I watched one video on how to change the oil in my car does not mean I want to watch a thousand other videos just like it. -Me

   Don't let a gerbil talk you into anything you don't want to do

   Spotted a house tonight with their Christmas lights already up in October and can only imagine that they work for Walmart.

   You know you are working too hard when you go to make a call from your home telephone and first dial 9.

   Jeffrey Dahmer's bologna had a first name , it was Steven !

   Yeah. It's OK for you to call my pets "Fur Babies" but if I call your kid a "Skin Dog" you get angry.

   I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

   Thinking about the time I bought 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…

   I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

   I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

   Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.

   I asked my girlfriend to meet me at the gym. She never showed up. I knew right then we weren’t going to workout.

   God please let me find $80,000 on the floor today

   Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.

   If batman and catwoman had a kid it would be batcat or the "less popular" manwoman.