Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Left the back door open at my friend's house and her roomba escaped. Hope he goes on an adventure and cleans the whole world

   What with unwanted pregnancies, social diseases and failed relationships, the Love Boat reboot will be titled the "Tug" Boat.

   I’m not here to fit into your world, I’m here to build my own world.

   Old Turkish Proverb: “When a clown moves into a palace, he doesn’t become a king, the palace becomes a circus.”

   Do you ever think for yourself? CNN viewer: “No, I have television for that.”

   They’re sending another 40 billion in aid to eastern Europe while our babies starve. That ought to make you mad as hell.

   Being yelled at by a self-checkout machine is so humiliating. Everyone can hear you getting lectured by a little robot.

   Me: My 401k is crushed I can’t afford food or gas. Biden: (licking ice cream cone) “Best economic recovery in history, Jack.”

   Han Solo: Han open carries, hates trade regulations, tax fees and Imperial overreach. Be like Han.

   There are two kinds of nerds: May the force be, - equal to mass times acceleration.

   Truth ~ only visible to those who question everything that they have been taught to believe.

   You didn’t think the left would give up their thought police monopoly without a fight, did you? ~ Feds open investigation into Elon Musk.

   There are two kinds of people when you explain that all drugs should be legal.

   “You’re a lucky man” is a nice way of telling a guy you would bang his woman.

   Wish I was a caterpillar. Eat a lot, sleep for a while, wake up beautiful.

   When your girl takes her top off, but the antidepressants have killed your sex drive. Boobies, yes, I remember.

   Coffee: More than four cups and you can talk to electricity.

   Founding Fathers: Here’s the First Amendment. Oh, and in case someone tries to take that away, here’s the Second Amendment.

   it, stick a needle in everyone or my body my choice? Pick one.

   Gas prices hit a new record high and Biden cancelled lease sales for oil and gas on more than a million acres on the same day.