Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is no SPF strong enough to sheild you from the sheer awesomeness that radiates from my ass!

   planning a vacation and is leaning towards Pisa.

   would be more willing to accept people for who they are if they were more like how I wanted them to be.

   not a doctor, but I play one in the emergency room until security shows up.

   bored of thinking of funny things to write in status and isn't going to bother this time

   Worst thing to feel during a proctology exam ???...Two hands on your shoulders

   was woken up again last night by the bulimic girl next door. I banged on the wall and shouted, "For f***s sake, keep it down!".

   if a fat girl falls in the forest and nobody is there to see it ...... do the trees laugh?

   saw on the news a black couple had a white baby. it wouldn't happen in China because two Wong's don't make a white.

   I failed my history test today. Apparently, "three centuries of inbreeding" is not the correct answer to "how did the american people evolve?"

   I hope everything I say doesn't sound like a sexual euphemism... touch wood.

   I'm so broke... People in Haiti are having a benefit for me !!

   Given the choice between Parkinsons and Alzheimers, I would prefer Parkinsons. I would rather spill a little beer rather than forget where I put it.

   Thinking about totally revamping my hairstyle. Ever since Justin Bieber came on the scene, it's no longer acceptable for a 25 year old to have a similar haircut. I'm thinking short, but not too short.

   *Insert Controversial topic here*

   there are three kinds of people in this world. those who can count...and those who can't!

   Cigarettes...because Skittles after sex just don't cut it!

   During a speech at Columbia University, founder of Microsoft, Bill Gates, said his rival at Apple, Steve Jobs, has done a fantastic job. Then Gates froze up and had to be restarted. :)

   You can either be part of the problem or part of the solution, but in the end, being part of the problem is much more fun.

   People are funny. They spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.