Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who else thinks the Brandon should be 2021 man of the year?

   At one point yesterday, the whole world was on Twitter...except for Trump.

   WOW!!! I bought an umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. Now on the way to buy a pack of condoms !!!

   I'm so old when I was a kid Facebook didn't have a name and everyone just called it ADD.

   Joe Biden: You know I properly planned my day when I can squeeze in that 3rd nap.

   unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, I ain’t chasing sh*t

   I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

   Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

   My idea was a naked version of DUNE called NUDE, but there are places no one wants sand.

   In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.

   Imagine the conversations between the fly on the wall and the elephant in the room after everyone leaves.

   I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.

   Eat a handful of coffee grounds before seeing the dental hygienist. They love a challenge.

   Some days you're the turd; some days you're the fly. I'm both every day. - Joe Biden

   As Facebook's rebranded itself as 'META', other entities will be following suit: Airlines: JETA Greece: FETA Prostitution: GETA Gambling: BETA Urologists: WETA Fisheries: NETA Animal Clinics: VETA Boob Jobs: TETA

   Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.

   If I ever win $10,000,000 in the lottery, I'm going to donate a quarter of it to charity. I can live just fine on $9,999,999.75.

   Once I see friends walking around with virtual glasses on in a Meta world I'll be swallowing the blue pill.

   Debating if I should clean the inside of my refrigerator out. Or just unscrew the light bulb.

   Kids, don't knock on my door saying 'trick or treat'. You better say 'chicken or beef' bcuz I'm handing out noodles.